okaaaay
too much to do, too little time!
have homework to do, loads of shit to study, books to read, exercise, etc etc
1) i had THE most amazing time this weekends! :D it was just too much fun! and im doing it again in December! yay for that! Also i met a amazing and HOT boy! :) haha
Couldn't fast BUT i ate less than 300 cals and burned like 18r94832 cals building the house and walking a lot!! :D So i'm sure i lost a few pounds! still have no scale :'( FUCK
2) i'm pretty sure i'll fail Economy :(
i'm back p4
Hi again...
Remember the "hotel-restaurant"? Well, no more hotel... it will be more like "rooms for rent!" haha i know... sucks... but anyway. The restaurant? Well... i feel bad for my dad you know, he has such bad luck! Can you believe that those stupid people from that organization or whatever the fuck it is... made this new sort of law that says that the area like the streets in that area where the restaurant was supposed to be is a restaurant-bar-or-anything-that-can-disturb-that-quite-area free zone!! Can you believe it? My dad was sooooooooooooooo upset. The worst part is that if you try going against that stupid law, you'll get sued! And oh my gosh you have to pay a huge disgusting amount of money!! My dad is soosoosoo upset. Anyway, he and my mom are trying to figure out what they're gonna do. Meanwhile my dad got a really good position (thank god!!) in a document and package delivery company.
I'm not doing as good as i'd like at college. This semester i'm taking 5 courses: Marketing II, Math II, Accounting (ew ew ew), Economy and Lenguage & Communication (stupid course). I'm doing really good in Marketing, Math and L&C... but omg i fuckiiing hate accounting and economy... ugh i just hate those classes and i'm doing awful... Accounting i'll pass... but economy i'm not so sure :S I'm just really bad in that class i swear i try, but it is sooo fucking boring i end up not paying attention! :'( Ugh ... anyway...
Also... my birthday was last month! aw... i'm 19 now! haha My friends came that day at like 6:00 am to wake me up and they brought me a tiny chocolate cupcake with a tiny candle and sang me "happy bday to youu" awn Sweet wasn't it? At night my parents my bro and my sis invited to dinner. They asked me to choose where i wanted to go, and i chose this arabian food restaurant and yup, i ate tons!! But whatever... it was my birthday! haha Later i met a couple of my friends and we went to a bar ET and there we drank i don't know how many shots of tequila... haha and then i got really drunk, i remember dancing and laughing a lot! haha I had a really good day! That was on Saturday, on sunday as a surprise my friends took me to the beach! haha i was feeling awful! i swear... all the way to the beach (that is about 2 hours from my town) i felt awful... and the minute i got off the car i had to look for a bathroom cause i was feeling nauseous... haha gross.... anyway then we had a lot of fun... just laying in the sand, taking the sun, watching the waves crash in the shore... :) didn't do much more than that haha it was really cool! :D Except lunch! ... We wen't to JPS and we ordered some fried shrims (poor things :( ) and we were there talking, relaxing... when this dude came to me and tried to "flirt" But he was all wasted, like 15 years older than me aand ugly! We didn't need to ask him to leave... we just gave him this look... and well he left... then like 20 mins later he was back! ugh he was stalking us... and then he was like trying to touch my leg! EWW I MEAN HELLOOOO.. gross gross gross! So we had to leave cause it was just too much! haha Well but apart from that we had a lot fun! :D I had a fun fun fun birthday! :D
Remember the "hotel-restaurant"? Well, no more hotel... it will be more like "rooms for rent!" haha i know... sucks... but anyway. The restaurant? Well... i feel bad for my dad you know, he has such bad luck! Can you believe that those stupid people from that organization or whatever the fuck it is... made this new sort of law that says that the area like the streets in that area where the restaurant was supposed to be is a restaurant-bar-or-anything-that-can-disturb-that-quite-area free zone!! Can you believe it? My dad was sooooooooooooooo upset. The worst part is that if you try going against that stupid law, you'll get sued! And oh my gosh you have to pay a huge disgusting amount of money!! My dad is soosoosoo upset. Anyway, he and my mom are trying to figure out what they're gonna do. Meanwhile my dad got a really good position (thank god!!) in a document and package delivery company.
I'm not doing as good as i'd like at college. This semester i'm taking 5 courses: Marketing II, Math II, Accounting (ew ew ew), Economy and Lenguage & Communication (stupid course). I'm doing really good in Marketing, Math and L&C... but omg i fuckiiing hate accounting and economy... ugh i just hate those classes and i'm doing awful... Accounting i'll pass... but economy i'm not so sure :S I'm just really bad in that class i swear i try, but it is sooo fucking boring i end up not paying attention! :'( Ugh ... anyway...
Also... my birthday was last month! aw... i'm 19 now! haha My friends came that day at like 6:00 am to wake me up and they brought me a tiny chocolate cupcake with a tiny candle and sang me "happy bday to youu" awn Sweet wasn't it? At night my parents my bro and my sis invited to dinner. They asked me to choose where i wanted to go, and i chose this arabian food restaurant and yup, i ate tons!! But whatever... it was my birthday! haha Later i met a couple of my friends and we went to a bar ET and there we drank i don't know how many shots of tequila... haha and then i got really drunk, i remember dancing and laughing a lot! haha I had a really good day! That was on Saturday, on sunday as a surprise my friends took me to the beach! haha i was feeling awful! i swear... all the way to the beach (that is about 2 hours from my town) i felt awful... and the minute i got off the car i had to look for a bathroom cause i was feeling nauseous... haha gross.... anyway then we had a lot of fun... just laying in the sand, taking the sun, watching the waves crash in the shore... :) didn't do much more than that haha it was really cool! :D Except lunch! ... We wen't to JPS and we ordered some fried shrims (poor things :( ) and we were there talking, relaxing... when this dude came to me and tried to "flirt" But he was all wasted, like 15 years older than me aand ugly! We didn't need to ask him to leave... we just gave him this look... and well he left... then like 20 mins later he was back! ugh he was stalking us... and then he was like trying to touch my leg! EWW I MEAN HELLOOOO.. gross gross gross! So we had to leave cause it was just too much! haha Well but apart from that we had a lot fun! :D I had a fun fun fun birthday! :D
i'm back! part 3 inspiration, french, cute guy...
I have to admit my life has never had too much "action"? When it comes to ...everything? lol So i have learned to appreciate all the little tiny details that make a sort of interesting-weird-sometimes-a-bit-irksome-but-kinda-nice (well that could be a new english adjective invented by a latin-chinese-spanish girl haha) life, a life worth living. Of course as you've read i have ups and downs! But i always try to find a reason to keep on going, keep on walking! Even if the reason is as simple as going for a walk in the evening or a bigger one as going to college and graduate or just for the sake of learning! I mean, even if the rest of my life is screwed up... there's is always something to give me strength to keep on opening my eyes every morning. So if you eveeer feel like everything is SHIT... that you're life couldn't be worse... dig a little deeper, i promise you'll find a tiny little light and that would be enoughtto brighten up your whole day, week, month, year. :)
Wow, i was inspired! Anyway... so what else have i been up to?
I stopped going to the Mandarin lessons cause they were at college; and college is about an hour and a half from my house! I live in a small town called AG (haha obviously i wasn't going to write the whole name..) awn i wish i wasn't so paranoid and i would write my town's name you know, to give it a little publicity! lol. It's a really really pretty tiny town, well it's a actually a valley turned into a town sort of. Anyway it's surrounded by THREE volcanoes and i think two of them are active! haha but don't worry they are far enough not to make any damage when erupting, also it's surrounded by mountains... yup i have a pretty cool view from the roof of my house, specially when a volcanoe is erupting!! It looks sooo cool! I swear... What i hate is that cause it is soooo small everyone know everyone! And after living 19 years here it gets a bit boring!
Haha sorry i slipped a bit ther... so i was saying my town-valley-whatever is a bit far from the city, where my college is! I wasted too much time from going-returning home and gooing agian. So i quit. I started taking french lesson, here in my town-valley-whatever :) and i am loooving it! French is soo sexy don't you think? haha and OH MY GOD... my school's principal... well he is french and he is SO SO SO SO HOT! And he's got this cute sexy accent! haha Anyway, thank god my teacher is a woman i wouldn't be able to concentrate if my teacher was a hot french dude! haha So far i've learned the numbers (un, deux, trois, etc) and now i can introduce myself and someone else! haha
Je m'appelle Matilda
J'ai 19 ans
J'habite à ????
J'etudie a l'universite ...
hahaha and that's about it! :( boo. But i'll get better in time... that's for sure! haha :)
Remember i told you my dog was sick? well, he passed away last week :'(... i cried, i cried a lot... and i miss him, but i know he is in a better place now, where he isn't suffering and i'm sure he is happy wherever he is! He's watching over us and i'll see him again one day! :)
Remember the guy i told you about, the one i likedd but didn't talked to him cause i'm a dork and get all nervous? Well... no i haven't talked to him ROFL. I still like him, i mean he is sooo cute! He's like the exact type of guy i like i mean physically obviously! If i didn't have a type of guy before well ... now i do and it's HIM! lol I don't remember if i told you this... no i think not... well... he smiled at me! haha aw i'm a loser... :( okay... so we were in class and he got in a little late... he sat in the desk in front of me, at the end of the class we had to sign the assistance list... so he had to give it to me and he turned and handed it in... i took and said thanx and smiled :) He said okay and smiled back :) then seconds later he turned to look at me again... and smiled at me AGAIN! But like this really sweet tendering smile! And i smiled... and then felt my face all hot ... haha yup i was turning into a living tomato
Sorry again it's late, i need to rest... a good week is starting and i wanna get some good sleep! Cause i can feel it! It's gonna be a good week :D and not just for me... but for all of youuu! okay... i gotta go.
love ya all! xxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxxoooxxxoo
Wow, i was inspired! Anyway... so what else have i been up to?
I stopped going to the Mandarin lessons cause they were at college; and college is about an hour and a half from my house! I live in a small town called AG (haha obviously i wasn't going to write the whole name..) awn i wish i wasn't so paranoid and i would write my town's name you know, to give it a little publicity! lol. It's a really really pretty tiny town, well it's a actually a valley turned into a town sort of. Anyway it's surrounded by THREE volcanoes and i think two of them are active! haha but don't worry they are far enough not to make any damage when erupting, also it's surrounded by mountains... yup i have a pretty cool view from the roof of my house, specially when a volcanoe is erupting!! It looks sooo cool! I swear... What i hate is that cause it is soooo small everyone know everyone! And after living 19 years here it gets a bit boring!
Haha sorry i slipped a bit ther... so i was saying my town-valley-whatever is a bit far from the city, where my college is! I wasted too much time from going-returning home and gooing agian. So i quit. I started taking french lesson, here in my town-valley-whatever :) and i am loooving it! French is soo sexy don't you think? haha and OH MY GOD... my school's principal... well he is french and he is SO SO SO SO HOT! And he's got this cute sexy accent! haha Anyway, thank god my teacher is a woman i wouldn't be able to concentrate if my teacher was a hot french dude! haha So far i've learned the numbers (un, deux, trois, etc) and now i can introduce myself and someone else! haha
Je m'appelle Matilda
J'ai 19 ans
J'habite à ????
J'etudie a l'universite ...
hahaha and that's about it! :( boo. But i'll get better in time... that's for sure! haha :)
Remember i told you my dog was sick? well, he passed away last week :'(... i cried, i cried a lot... and i miss him, but i know he is in a better place now, where he isn't suffering and i'm sure he is happy wherever he is! He's watching over us and i'll see him again one day! :)
Remember the guy i told you about, the one i likedd but didn't talked to him cause i'm a dork and get all nervous? Well... no i haven't talked to him ROFL. I still like him, i mean he is sooo cute! He's like the exact type of guy i like i mean physically obviously! If i didn't have a type of guy before well ... now i do and it's HIM! lol I don't remember if i told you this... no i think not... well... he smiled at me! haha aw i'm a loser... :( okay... so we were in class and he got in a little late... he sat in the desk in front of me, at the end of the class we had to sign the assistance list... so he had to give it to me and he turned and handed it in... i took and said thanx and smiled :) He said okay and smiled back :) then seconds later he turned to look at me again... and smiled at me AGAIN! But like this really sweet tendering smile! And i smiled... and then felt my face all hot ... haha yup i was turning into a living tomato
Sorry again it's late, i need to rest... a good week is starting and i wanna get some good sleep! Cause i can feel it! It's gonna be a good week :D and not just for me... but for all of youuu! okay... i gotta go.
love ya all! xxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxxoooxxxoo
these last... 2 months? ... i'm back part 2
Okay soo...
Days passed and i really tried to change you know... I tried to look me in the mirror and think: "WOW you've got a gorgeous bodyyy!!". I ate, every meal of every day... of the past 1 or 2 months! And well..
Did i feel good? NO.
Did i actually like what i was seeing in the mirror? NO.
Did i mean it when i said: "WOW YOU'VE GOT A GORGEOUS BODY"? NO.
Did i feel guilty for putting all that food(crap) in my mouth? ohhh YES.
L asked me almost everyday: "How did it go today?"; and what did i answer? haha Yup! you guessed right! i answered: "YES, i feel awesome!! Thank youuu i love youu!". And i thought i was a bad liar.What a hypocrite i am... but heey! it wasn't that i wanted to lie, i mean i really wanted NOT to lie. I wanted to tell her i felt good... and i wanted it to be true. It wasn't true... but it was either lying OR telling the truth aand accepting that SHE was going to tell my mom or dad... and then of course they would've made this HUGE scene... and finally i would've been sent to a shrink! And well, i don't want that right?
So days passed, then weeks and suddenly a month. I was denying myself that THAT wasn't what i wanted, that THAT wasn't making me feel good; instead i felt WORST!! AND the WORST part was that i gaining weight! I mean, i didn't have a scale cause my dad took it to my grandma's. So i was eating tons, i wasn't able to weigh aaand i knew i was gaining? !It was a torture. Believe me! It was enough... i couldn't kept on living like that! I mean, i don't wanna go back to when i weighed 154 lbs! i mean NOOOO FUCKING THANX!
So here i am... IM BACK! And i apologize for being so weak and stupid! I promise i'll never EVER do that again! I'm back.. so WORLD BE READY CAUSE HERE I COME AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME NOW!! How will i manage to fool L? I don't know... but that won't stop me, i'm smart and i'll come up with something... :) Besides it's not like i see her everyday! Only fridays and weekends... But i won't be seeing her for like two weeks!! Cause I volunteered for this organization called hmm well it kinda translates as "A roof for my country". We build wood houses for people of low resources :) (does that phrase or whatever exist? "people of low resources" or is it just "poor people") i know... i'm such a nice girl? HAHAHAHA just kidding! Anyway, i'm really exited!! And i know it will be a really cool experience since we'll share with the families we are going to build the houses for :D. So i'm going from Friday to Sunday to a sort of village and she won't be there! Neither will my parents... woohooo! That a good oportunity to fast ooor have less than 300 cals!.
I missed reading your blogs, i missed writing heree even if sometimes my posts are nonsense or whatever and i missed reading your comments!
Okay, there are still tons of tiny things i'd like to tell you about.. but i'll do that in a separete post! haha okaaaaayyy i loooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! And again... thanx for reading!! xxxxooooxxxxxoooooxxxxooo
Days passed and i really tried to change you know... I tried to look me in the mirror and think: "WOW you've got a gorgeous bodyyy!!". I ate, every meal of every day... of the past 1 or 2 months! And well..
Did i feel good? NO.
Did i actually like what i was seeing in the mirror? NO.
Did i mean it when i said: "WOW YOU'VE GOT A GORGEOUS BODY"? NO.
Did i feel guilty for putting all that food(crap) in my mouth? ohhh YES.
L asked me almost everyday: "How did it go today?"; and what did i answer? haha Yup! you guessed right! i answered: "YES, i feel awesome!! Thank youuu i love youu!". And i thought i was a bad liar.What a hypocrite i am... but heey! it wasn't that i wanted to lie, i mean i really wanted NOT to lie. I wanted to tell her i felt good... and i wanted it to be true. It wasn't true... but it was either lying OR telling the truth aand accepting that SHE was going to tell my mom or dad... and then of course they would've made this HUGE scene... and finally i would've been sent to a shrink! And well, i don't want that right?
So days passed, then weeks and suddenly a month. I was denying myself that THAT wasn't what i wanted, that THAT wasn't making me feel good; instead i felt WORST!! AND the WORST part was that i gaining weight! I mean, i didn't have a scale cause my dad took it to my grandma's. So i was eating tons, i wasn't able to weigh aaand i knew i was gaining? !It was a torture. Believe me! It was enough... i couldn't kept on living like that! I mean, i don't wanna go back to when i weighed 154 lbs! i mean NOOOO FUCKING THANX!
So here i am... IM BACK! And i apologize for being so weak and stupid! I promise i'll never EVER do that again! I'm back.. so WORLD BE READY CAUSE HERE I COME AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME NOW!! How will i manage to fool L? I don't know... but that won't stop me, i'm smart and i'll come up with something... :) Besides it's not like i see her everyday! Only fridays and weekends... But i won't be seeing her for like two weeks!! Cause I volunteered for this organization called hmm well it kinda translates as "A roof for my country". We build wood houses for people of low resources :) (does that phrase or whatever exist? "people of low resources" or is it just "poor people") i know... i'm such a nice girl? HAHAHAHA just kidding! Anyway, i'm really exited!! And i know it will be a really cool experience since we'll share with the families we are going to build the houses for :D. So i'm going from Friday to Sunday to a sort of village and she won't be there! Neither will my parents... woohooo! That a good oportunity to fast ooor have less than 300 cals!.
I missed reading your blogs, i missed writing heree even if sometimes my posts are nonsense or whatever and i missed reading your comments!
Okay, there are still tons of tiny things i'd like to tell you about.. but i'll do that in a separete post! haha okaaaaayyy i loooove youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! And again... thanx for reading!! xxxxooooxxxxxoooooxxxxooo
these last... 2 months? ... i'm back part 1
oh man... where should i start?
Okay... about a month ago, i think, (as i said... i've lost track of time... so don't ask for dates) so i was saying... a month ago or more than a month ago... my best friend L came to stay over at my house, we watched a few movies and talked all night long... the next morning i woke up and i went to take a shower. L stayed in my room, waiting for me ... when i finished showering i went to my room, of course to get some clean clothes... and she was there, acting all weird and making all these weird faces. I payed no attention.
That same day we went for a cup of coffee to CB( initials of the coffee place). She was still acting weird.. so... this is kinda like how the conversation went...
me: wtf? are you mad or something?
L: no...
me: then?
L: then what?
me: seriously... WHAT THE FUCK?
L: don't you have anything you'd like to talk about with me?
me: uh... no?
L: sure?
me: yeah?
L: are you okay?
me: yeah? ... now... seriously L... what the fuck?
L: i think i read something i wasn't supposed to.. and now i'm worried about you...
me: what do you mean?
( i actually kinda knew by that moment... i keep this sort of journal where i write from time to time... which is like once a month... and there i've written about almost every feeling i've had about myself... how much i disgust myself... and also most of my plans and diets ... and goals... so what i actually meant with "What do you mean?" was... OH FUCK!)
L: oh c'mon...
me: (i couldn't speak.. i had a knot in my throat and my eyes were all blurry from the stupid tears that were trying to escape ... )
L: (she only looked at me...)
me: (swallowed, closed my eyes and tried to keep those tears inside... but couldn't, a few managed to come out)
L: (still didn't speak)
me: it was non of you business! you didn't have to read it!
L: that is not the point!!!
me: oh c'mon!!! who do you think you are to go sneaking around my stuff???
L: (didn't say anyting)
me: listen, i know you're my friend... but it is my life!! so don't try to fix it!!! i am FINE! and i don't need you! and you better not run and try to tell my mom! or your mom! Cause you have NO RIGHT!!!
L: shut up! why didn't you try to talk to me about it?
me: BECAUSE!!!!! you wouldn't understand...! and i don't need your help so don't you dare trying! ...
L: fine! if you don't neeeeddd meee.. i guess i can go home now!
me: oh yess pleassee... take careeeee ... ;) (that was pure sarcasm, and she knew)
L: whatever matilda...
well yeah i think that's about it... i mean it wasn't with all those exact same words... but that's kinda how it was... two days passed and i didn't hear of her... and yup as you can imagine i was REALLY upset! but at the same time i was feeling like SHIT! Because i knew she didn't mean to hurt me! ... so i decided to text her ... and i wrote "you see... i'm fucked up! And the least thing i need right now is losing you".. so she called me... i went to her house ... and i dunno what she did or said, but i ended up crying like a little baby. I was helpless, weak... and i spit it ALL out! (obviously not a word about my blog) but the rest... i did... i told her almost everything! how i started last year... how fucked up i felt most of the time! how i didn't eat for days! and how good it felt! it told her everything! GOD EVERYTHING, YOU SEE... EVERYTHING... my deepest secret! i told ... and i told her how scared i was... you know, of her thinking i was NUTS! and i begged her not to tell anyone! cause i didn't wanna be sent to a shrink! i promised her i was gonna try to change! ... and i said "you don't understand... so don't judge me!" about 242309487209 times.
She said she knew she didn't understand... and that she promised not telling anyone! But only if i promised her i was going to eat! That i had to tell her how i was feeling... and that i had to try to love myself... and that i had to look in the mirror and try to keep a positive mind! ... and so i did... i promised... i mean i REALLY promised... i really thought i wanted to stop my life style... i thought i was gonna feel better, NOT!
to be continued...
ps: sorry i have to go! there's still a MILLION things i have to tell you about... love youu! xoxoxoxoxox
Okay... about a month ago, i think, (as i said... i've lost track of time... so don't ask for dates) so i was saying... a month ago or more than a month ago... my best friend L came to stay over at my house, we watched a few movies and talked all night long... the next morning i woke up and i went to take a shower. L stayed in my room, waiting for me ... when i finished showering i went to my room, of course to get some clean clothes... and she was there, acting all weird and making all these weird faces. I payed no attention.
That same day we went for a cup of coffee to CB( initials of the coffee place). She was still acting weird.. so... this is kinda like how the conversation went...
me: wtf? are you mad or something?
L: no...
me: then?
L: then what?
me: seriously... WHAT THE FUCK?
L: don't you have anything you'd like to talk about with me?
me: uh... no?
L: sure?
me: yeah?
L: are you okay?
me: yeah? ... now... seriously L... what the fuck?
L: i think i read something i wasn't supposed to.. and now i'm worried about you...
me: what do you mean?
( i actually kinda knew by that moment... i keep this sort of journal where i write from time to time... which is like once a month... and there i've written about almost every feeling i've had about myself... how much i disgust myself... and also most of my plans and diets ... and goals... so what i actually meant with "What do you mean?" was... OH FUCK!)
L: oh c'mon...
me: (i couldn't speak.. i had a knot in my throat and my eyes were all blurry from the stupid tears that were trying to escape ... )
L: (she only looked at me...)
me: (swallowed, closed my eyes and tried to keep those tears inside... but couldn't, a few managed to come out)
L: (still didn't speak)
me: it was non of you business! you didn't have to read it!
L: that is not the point!!!
me: oh c'mon!!! who do you think you are to go sneaking around my stuff???
L: (didn't say anyting)
me: listen, i know you're my friend... but it is my life!! so don't try to fix it!!! i am FINE! and i don't need you! and you better not run and try to tell my mom! or your mom! Cause you have NO RIGHT!!!
L: shut up! why didn't you try to talk to me about it?
me: BECAUSE!!!!! you wouldn't understand...! and i don't need your help so don't you dare trying! ...
L: fine! if you don't neeeeddd meee.. i guess i can go home now!
me: oh yess pleassee... take careeeee ... ;) (that was pure sarcasm, and she knew)
L: whatever matilda...
well yeah i think that's about it... i mean it wasn't with all those exact same words... but that's kinda how it was... two days passed and i didn't hear of her... and yup as you can imagine i was REALLY upset! but at the same time i was feeling like SHIT! Because i knew she didn't mean to hurt me! ... so i decided to text her ... and i wrote "you see... i'm fucked up! And the least thing i need right now is losing you".. so she called me... i went to her house ... and i dunno what she did or said, but i ended up crying like a little baby. I was helpless, weak... and i spit it ALL out! (obviously not a word about my blog) but the rest... i did... i told her almost everything! how i started last year... how fucked up i felt most of the time! how i didn't eat for days! and how good it felt! it told her everything! GOD EVERYTHING, YOU SEE... EVERYTHING... my deepest secret! i told ... and i told her how scared i was... you know, of her thinking i was NUTS! and i begged her not to tell anyone! cause i didn't wanna be sent to a shrink! i promised her i was gonna try to change! ... and i said "you don't understand... so don't judge me!" about 242309487209 times.
She said she knew she didn't understand... and that she promised not telling anyone! But only if i promised her i was going to eat! That i had to tell her how i was feeling... and that i had to try to love myself... and that i had to look in the mirror and try to keep a positive mind! ... and so i did... i promised... i mean i REALLY promised... i really thought i wanted to stop my life style... i thought i was gonna feel better, NOT!
to be continued...
ps: sorry i have to go! there's still a MILLION things i have to tell you about... love youu! xoxoxoxoxox
i almost gave up...
I am lost...
I was supposed to find myself (i didn't)
I haven't weigh in like forever!
I am weaker than ever
I've lost track of time... i barely remember the
last time i posted something in here...
and the WORST of it all! -> I gave up for a while...
It's really late and i need to study for a stupid exam i have tomorrow...
Nads, stick thin, millie... are you still following me? i'm sorry :'( I missed you soo! i swear i'm crying... i can't believe... how could i thought i could move on with my life? how could i thought i was kinda pretty although i was a fat cow? i missed you... and i need you all more than ever!
I was supposed to find myself (i didn't)
I haven't weigh in like forever!
I am weaker than ever
I've lost track of time... i barely remember the
last time i posted something in here...
and the WORST of it all! -> I gave up for a while...
It's really late and i need to study for a stupid exam i have tomorrow...
Nads, stick thin, millie... are you still following me? i'm sorry :'( I missed you soo! i swear i'm crying... i can't believe... how could i thought i could move on with my life? how could i thought i was kinda pretty although i was a fat cow? i missed you... and i need you all more than ever!
Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because then I need it the most.
Tomorrow night you'll have an update with a detailed explanation, i promise!
Tomorrow night you'll have an update with a detailed explanation, i promise!
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