i'm back!
well i had a pretty busy week, boring but busy... didn't do much!
bout my diet well not too bad, i fast like two days this week, & my kcal intake hasn't gone higher than 900 kcal. Not too bad but not how it's supposed to be... anyway, tomorrow starts the Weight loss competition! yayy :D:D:D:D wish me luck!
though i still don't understand how it's gunna work, i asked farah some questions, hope she answers! :D
bout my diet well not too bad, i fast like two days this week, & my kcal intake hasn't gone higher than 900 kcal. Not too bad but not how it's supposed to be... anyway, tomorrow starts the Weight loss competition! yayy :D:D:D:D wish me luck!
though i still don't understand how it's gunna work, i asked farah some questions, hope she answers! :D
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damnn i thought i had consumed only 500 cal - NOT! i just counted them & i consumed 650 cal!! ugh, it's not that much but still! i screwed up... so yeah today won't count, but still tomorrow i'll fast. Anyway byebye xoxo matilda.
Weight loss competition!
k so Farah (http://iwillbeasize0.blogspot.com/) made this blog (http://weightlosscomp.blogspot.com). It's a competition & i'm sooo in!! :D i'm thrilled! hehe
i'm in the orange team :) hope it all goes good!
Daily points
- under max intake: +10 points
- over max intake: -10 points
- exercise: +1 pt/15 mins (15 max)
- water: +1 pt/glass (8 max)
- binging: -5 pt/incident
- purging: -2 pt/incident
- encouraging teammates: +1 pt/teammate (5 max)
- reached goal weight for the week +5 points
- didn't reach goal weight for the week +2 points
Apart from that i'm also EFFIN' happy! :D:D cuz yesterday i fast & today i'm starting for real the ABC diet... so far so good! It almos 5pm & i've only eaten an apple & lettuce & spinach salad! oh yeah & tons of water! :D:D:D feel soo good!! wish me luck for the rest of the day! :D haha um anyway... yeah thats it for now ... xoxo, matilda
i'm in the orange team :) hope it all goes good!
Daily points
- under max intake: +10 points
- over max intake: -10 points
- exercise: +1 pt/15 mins (15 max)
- water: +1 pt/glass (8 max)
- binging: -5 pt/incident
- purging: -2 pt/incident
- encouraging teammates: +1 pt/teammate (5 max)
- reached goal weight for the week +5 points
- didn't reach goal weight for the week +2 points
Apart from that i'm also EFFIN' happy! :D:D cuz yesterday i fast & today i'm starting for real the ABC diet... so far so good! It almos 5pm & i've only eaten an apple & lettuce & spinach salad! oh yeah & tons of water! :D:D:D feel soo good!! wish me luck for the rest of the day! :D haha um anyway... yeah thats it for now ... xoxo, matilda
4 am haven't slept at all
i just finished watching "Sharing the secret" & i really liked it. It's a movie about a girl who's got bulimia. I could relate in so many ways with her... anyway, i wanna know more about anorexia; so on thursday first thing i'll do is go to the library & see what books i can find :).
i haven't been "good" actually i've been feeling pretty SHITTY. I hate myself soo bad! i haven't weigh cause i'm just too scared to do it... today i was watching myself on the mirror & noticed how BIG my arms are, like omgosh they are FAT & disgusting i hattttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeee myself so bad! i'm an ugly fatass!!! :'( i'm so depressed, yesterday i only drank a glass of orange juice & felt really good. But today me & some friends went to the movies & i ate a HUGE bowl of sweet popcorn, & when we got back my friends ordered some pizza & omgosh i couldn't resist & i ate loads :'(. I feel awful!!!! i'm so STUPID! why can't i control myself! like it's a vicious cicle... binge binge fast binge fast fast binge purge binge purge fast........ i just wanna fast fast fast fast fast... but NOO i'm so weak! i'm so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well gotta go drown in my weakness & pain... FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i haven't been "good" actually i've been feeling pretty SHITTY. I hate myself soo bad! i haven't weigh cause i'm just too scared to do it... today i was watching myself on the mirror & noticed how BIG my arms are, like omgosh they are FAT & disgusting i hattttttttttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeee myself so bad! i'm an ugly fatass!!! :'( i'm so depressed, yesterday i only drank a glass of orange juice & felt really good. But today me & some friends went to the movies & i ate a HUGE bowl of sweet popcorn, & when we got back my friends ordered some pizza & omgosh i couldn't resist & i ate loads :'(. I feel awful!!!! i'm so STUPID! why can't i control myself! like it's a vicious cicle... binge binge fast binge fast fast binge purge binge purge fast........ i just wanna fast fast fast fast fast... but NOO i'm so weak! i'm so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well gotta go drown in my weakness & pain... FML!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
sick!
Ugh i'm sick! Today i was feeling dizzy i wanted to puke & now my tummy aches... mayb i got milk allergy... i dunno, hope not! um anyway! In about a month my friend's gonna throw this HUGE party, i'm really looking forward to it!! & I'd like to have lost at least 6 kilos by then, so i'll be 57 kilos. OMGosh i've got to do it! i know i can! yesss i believe in myself, yes yes i DO!!! :D
When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
puking... HOORAY! lmfao!
haha k i've been a bit busy so i haven't been able to post anything in here...
so i tried the Milk diet, by the second day i felt awful & spend all day puking... lol, disgusting I KNOW. I can't tell why i got sick, cause i AM SURE!! that milk i drank wasn't spoiled haha. Naw anyway still i tried to eat as less as possible. Just fruit, soups & salads, less than 700 calories per day. & omgoshhh i lost 2 kilos! :D yesss now i'm down to 63! & i'm hoping to go down to 60 by next week! So yeah that's it for now... still i'm effin' sad! i can't even look in the mirror i HATE MYSELF! i'm an ugly FATASS!
so i tried the Milk diet, by the second day i felt awful & spend all day puking... lol, disgusting I KNOW. I can't tell why i got sick, cause i AM SURE!! that milk i drank wasn't spoiled haha. Naw anyway still i tried to eat as less as possible. Just fruit, soups & salads, less than 700 calories per day. & omgoshhh i lost 2 kilos! :D yesss now i'm down to 63! & i'm hoping to go down to 60 by next week! So yeah that's it for now... still i'm effin' sad! i can't even look in the mirror i HATE MYSELF! i'm an ugly FATASS!
sitting, waiting, wishing
Gosh! well yesterday i did well :) as well as today... but that doesn't really help my shitty self-esteem, i have NO patience i wanna be skinny perfect & beautiful NOW!! ugh ugh! i effing hate myself, my arms, my HUGE disgusting belly, my legs are soooooooooooooooooo fat! my face! omgoshhhhhh. I always try to be positive butt goshhh how the heck you do that when you look like Fiona from Shrek? ... anyway i found this diet called the Milk's Diet i'll start tomorrow... haha i can never finish one diet, i know... i get bored really fasssstt!!! Milk's Diet
- 1 day:6 cups of milk
- 2 day : 4 cups of milk + 2 fruits
- 3day: 2 cups of milk + 2 fruits + cheese
- 4 day : 4 cups of milk + 1 fruit +1 piece of some meat(i'm a veggie so no meat for me! :P)
- 5 day : 2 cups of milk + 2 fruit +1 piece of some meat +1egg (again no meat or eggs for me)
- 6day: 2cups of milk + 1 fruit +1 piece of some meat +1egg +chesee
- 7day: 3 cups of milk + 3 fruit
- 8day: 2 cups of milk + 1 fruit +1 piece of some meat + cheese
haha k... so i guess for me it'll be only milk, fruit & cheese! 
mia??
k, so for lunch my mom gave me half a bowl of rice and cucumber salad, i left more than a half of the rice and ate all the cucumber... but the rice had like cheese or somethin' which is like i dunno.. tons of calories... so i decided i was gonna get rid of those calories somehow... i remembered how i used to use mia as a last resource, & so i inmediatly told my mom i wanted to get a shower before it started raining & i ran to the bath, didn't even think about it ... yes i PURGED! i'm not planning on doing it constantly just when it's completely necessary... so yeah that's it for now. I think i've only consumed like 300 calories... but i'm not sure so i guess i won't be eating anything else for today, just an apple for dinner. & i'll do some serious exercise at night.
xoxo
Matilda
xoxo
Matilda
DAMN!!!!
So... yesterday was my second day on the ABC diet... & i failed!!! Some friends & i went out...
and drank LOTS of alcohol! i don't even wanna THINK bout all those calories! So today i'm starting ...again... ugh this sucks, fortunatly i'm not planning on going out this weekend, & if i'm invited i guess i'll have to make something up so i don't have to go... coz i know if i go out i'll end up drinking, or eating some nachos or CAKE! ugh I HATE EFFIN' FOOD!!!! :'( .
It's noon & again i've only had a light granola bar, my mom is home so she'll make me have lunch, but then she & my dad will leave, wohooo!! lol anyway i'll try to keep it calm with lunch. I'm starting to freak out about my parents finding out. I guess i'm just a paranoid freak lol...
and drank LOTS of alcohol! i don't even wanna THINK bout all those calories! So today i'm starting ...again... ugh this sucks, fortunatly i'm not planning on going out this weekend, & if i'm invited i guess i'll have to make something up so i don't have to go... coz i know if i go out i'll end up drinking, or eating some nachos or CAKE! ugh I HATE EFFIN' FOOD!!!! :'( .
It's noon & again i've only had a light granola bar, my mom is home so she'll make me have lunch, but then she & my dad will leave, wohooo!! lol anyway i'll try to keep it calm with lunch. I'm starting to freak out about my parents finding out. I guess i'm just a paranoid freak lol...
woohoo
haha k, so just a little update... i'm happy i did good on my finals today... & so far i've only consumed 147 Cal. For breakfast i had a light granola bar & about an hour ago i ate an apple... for dinner i'll have another apple... & now i'm hoping my mom won't make me have lunch... if so i'll have to, but i'll eat as less as possible. & at night i'll exercise k, that's it for now ;P
xoxo, matilda
xoxo, matilda
introducing myself
Hey there! i'm Matilda, i'm 18 and i'm "ANA" i guess... whateva... being ana does not make me a bad girl! you people must change that stereotype... i'm real, i'm human, i feel...
Weight has always been an issue in my freaking life. I used to be real fat, i still am, but i used to be bigger!! I simply not realized how big & disgusting i was; i learned to deal with it. I never could imagine myself as a thin pretty girl, i always thought that was not possible for me. I was always dieting myself, but i only followed the diet for the first week & then i forgot and started eating loads! I have lots of memories where people were rude to me, or would make fun of me cause i was fat. I hated it and felt shitty all the time, but instead of doing something about my weight i would EAT more... i know i know, it sounds stupid but if you think about it for a second it might make a little sense. I ate cause was depressed, it filled that freaking hole in my selfsteem that was digged by those assholes... are you following?
About a year and a half ago i thought to myself ENOUGH! i was sick and tired of being THE FAT girl, i had to end it! I just didn't know how. I tried dieting again and it worked but then i got depressed for some reason, and gained all of it again! I don't remember exactly when or how i realized that what made me feel even more depressed was FOOD. And so i got to the conclusion that if i didn't eat then i would feel happy... and so i did. & guess what happened? IT WORKED! i felt so effin' happy!! it felt so good having that control over me, over my food. I felt powerful... & yes i had ups and downs... but a year i lost like 15kg, i started with 75kg and in a year i went down to 60kg!, then to 57... i felt great!! but my target weight was 50kg.
And then 2009 came, i was thrilled! i thought that by now i would be 50kg, NOT... classes started my parents sort of noticed i wasn't eating as a "normal" person (well they never actually called it ANA, THANX GOD!, they simply thought i should eat more unless i wanted to spend the rest of my life tortured at home... haha they wouldn't let me out unless i had breakfast, lunch or dinner with them... pathetic, i know), and so i had to eat... and i forgot the meaning of "self control"... and so in 5 months i gained 8kg.
That's why i'm starting this blog, i'm not willing to go down the same old effin' road! i will not let myself go down there again. I need to remember what self control is, i need to take my thought out of food and constantly remember WHY i need this.
So, that's part of my story, can anyone relate? if so add me m_atilda90@hotmail.com k?
Weight has always been an issue in my freaking life. I used to be real fat, i still am, but i used to be bigger!! I simply not realized how big & disgusting i was; i learned to deal with it. I never could imagine myself as a thin pretty girl, i always thought that was not possible for me. I was always dieting myself, but i only followed the diet for the first week & then i forgot and started eating loads! I have lots of memories where people were rude to me, or would make fun of me cause i was fat. I hated it and felt shitty all the time, but instead of doing something about my weight i would EAT more... i know i know, it sounds stupid but if you think about it for a second it might make a little sense. I ate cause was depressed, it filled that freaking hole in my selfsteem that was digged by those assholes... are you following?
About a year and a half ago i thought to myself ENOUGH! i was sick and tired of being THE FAT girl, i had to end it! I just didn't know how. I tried dieting again and it worked but then i got depressed for some reason, and gained all of it again! I don't remember exactly when or how i realized that what made me feel even more depressed was FOOD. And so i got to the conclusion that if i didn't eat then i would feel happy... and so i did. & guess what happened? IT WORKED! i felt so effin' happy!! it felt so good having that control over me, over my food. I felt powerful... & yes i had ups and downs... but a year i lost like 15kg, i started with 75kg and in a year i went down to 60kg!, then to 57... i felt great!! but my target weight was 50kg.
And then 2009 came, i was thrilled! i thought that by now i would be 50kg, NOT... classes started my parents sort of noticed i wasn't eating as a "normal" person (well they never actually called it ANA, THANX GOD!, they simply thought i should eat more unless i wanted to spend the rest of my life tortured at home... haha they wouldn't let me out unless i had breakfast, lunch or dinner with them... pathetic, i know), and so i had to eat... and i forgot the meaning of "self control"... and so in 5 months i gained 8kg.
That's why i'm starting this blog, i'm not willing to go down the same old effin' road! i will not let myself go down there again. I need to remember what self control is, i need to take my thought out of food and constantly remember WHY i need this.
So, that's part of my story, can anyone relate? if so add me m_atilda90@hotmail.com k?
ps: self control: n. Control of one's emotions, desires, or actions by one's own will
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