Reminsing., setting goals.. god im happee ;)

hey you! thanx for the advice! ill try doing that next time i see them! :)

okay i dunno why i feel happy now! ok Diente de leon, THANK YOUUU for posting the link, im rewatching skins series 1! :) i loveee it! like honestly girls you gotta watch it! i watched it like a year ago... when i was starting to take this habits... & i loved it cause of cassie! she's so lovely! theres this episode where Sid asks her how she does it, like not eating without anyone noticing... & she explains him... hehe cassie's method works! believe me!! :) okay so i guess i know why im happee! rewatching skins remembered ME a year and a half ago... i was soo strong! like honestly... i could have pizza, ice cream, CUPCAKES in front of me... & i would NOT fall for it!! i ran i drank tons of water... and throw all that crap away!! i wanna be that girl again! i just dont know where to start... i mean.. lately i havent the stregnth . i think.. .i mean i know its hidden somewhere in my inner self, i know its there and im soo gonna find it! i shall find it by the end of the week! lols :)

im planning on gettin a tattoo by the end of the monthm maybe a month and a half... im saving money! and oh god i dont wanna go get it until i drop to 126 pounds At Least! do you think its possible to do it within 5 or 6 weeks? hmm okay you know what? ill set a goal... and you will all be my witnesses okay?? i WILL drop to 125 lbs by the 10th of august.. and i am gonna get that tattoo done by the end of that week! I PROMISE I WILL DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I CAN! are you with me??????? :D:D:D:D

HOLLY FUCK I DROPPED MY LAPTOP FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!! ... oh :) it still works!

Never bend your head. Always hold it high. Look the world straight in the eye!!

fights, not losing, bored...

hey everyone!! well i lost NO fucking pound this week! ughh!! no excuses... im a BIG COW!

on thursday me and some friends went to a bar & they were all drinking beer but i ordered a cup of coffee... lols what a loser! but gosh beer has tons of cals! anyway... we were talking about JT's new girlfriend blah blah... & somehow someone said: "YEAH Have you noticed how matilda never eats???????" & suddenly everyone had forgotten about JT's girlfriend !! i was like NO WAY you guys shut up! i they were all "concerned" about me and my eating habits! i was soo fucking scared i had no idea what to say... i told them to shut up, and to stop saying all that stuff about my habits when they dont spend most of the day with me! that at home i ate loads! & then one of them said yeah ok i you say so then i might call your mom and ask her! lets see what she says! OMGOSH GURLS! i almost started crying!!! i got really upset & told them all to shut the fuck up and stop messing with my fucking life!! (i know i know, it was a stupid reaction of mine) but honestly how the heck was i supposed to react!!... So when i said that they said... you've got a problem matilda, if you wanna lose weight go to specialist, blah blah but dont be stupid!! and then JT told me that i was only gonna end up fatter if i kept on "fasting" myself! those words scared the FUCK out of me! is it true? like how am i gonna get fatter when im not eating!!! :( gosh i hate them! well to make a long story short... i try to relaxe... and asked them to stop it, that they were not going to convince me about anything, besides i wasnt doing anything wrong, and told them not to make assumtions about my way of living! cause they spent like 20% of my day around me! so they all "agreed" but not really... cause they noticed i was really upset and told me to relaxe! they said OK...but still you gotta be careful.. and we're gonna keep an eye on you.. blah blah DUTCHBAGS! i mean i love them, yeah they've been my friends since forever but i really hate it when someone trys to take control of my life! after that they acted as if nothing had happened... hope it keeps on going that way!

okay gotta go! love yall!

thinspo pics!

im soo paranoid!

heyy! ok awful awful day! i got this friend whos a cook (he's thin though! ugh i hate him, haha i mean he eats tons and hes thin!! argh) , i had to go pick him up at the restaurant & he told me that he just baked this cheesy breand thingys and that i HAD to try them! i told him i was full blah blah but he insisted & i got dragged into trying them! and ok yes they were really good... but oh my god! imagine all those cals! then we went to another friends house & watched a movie, about 5 pm her mom, so polite, had brought us ice cream and fries! oh god oh god im a fucking failure i ate like i hadnt eaten in years! :'( awful awful, im a shame i know... anyway!! im fasting tomorrow & ill try to keep on until sunday! :S:S itll be hard & i may slip but if do ill try it to be with an orange or so...

okay so today i skipped a class and went to my college library to look for some anorexia books, & BTW haha theres this really cute librarian guy... loool ok i know! but hes so cute! hes only there in the mornings so that might be his part time job.. i dunno anyway hes CUTE! haha um okay so i went to consult the catalog and found a quit complete list of anorexia books, so i chose some & went looking for them, they were in the psichology area... & can you belive i couldnt find them?? i dunno why i was like REALLY nervous, i was so scared of running into one of my friends! & omg how would i explain ME reading an anorexia book! when im not even taking a psychology course!! anyway i didnt find ANY!! & i was too paranoid to ask for help! speacially cause the only one who was close was the cute librarian guy! haha so yeah my today's adventure at the library was a total failure! & i havent gone to the gym for 2 days!! ughhh! anyway! gotta go!! im falling asleep here! haha love yall!! :D take care! xoxo

--------------------------------------------------
How to lose 5 pounds in a Week

Day 1: Do at least one hour of aerobic activity. You can an evening walk, go swimming, play some sports with your friends, go running, or anything else which gets your heart beat racing. Aerobics burn a lot of calories which is your main objective in your week long efforts.

Day 2: Do one hour of strength exercises. If you have a gym membership now is the time to use it. But even if the only place you workout is at home, you can still do an effective workout. Do some pushups, crunches, squats, or borrow some dumbbells from a friend.

Day 3: One hour of aerobics, the same as day 1.

Day 4: Take some time off from physical activity to allow your muscles to rest.

Day 5: The same as day 1.

Day 6: One hour of strength training. Make sure you work at least 2 muscle groops.

day 7: The same as day 1.

hey lets try doing that!! :) there was a nutritional part but i didnt post it cause it was just TOO MUCH!

im sorry!!! "week summary"

hey gurls! im soo sooo sorry ive been away & i havent read your blogs! i wasnt home since friday morning! i stayed at one my bf house & we watched movies, & tlaked all night & yes... we ate pizza, popcorn & doritos! :'(

But otherwise it was a good week! i only lost 1 pound! i dunno whats going on, why i lose so little when im not doing that bad, i eat almost NOTHING if not nothing! i swim or go to the gym! :S i dunno whats up with that but nawn at leat im losing :).

Anyway i gotta go study for an exam tomorrow! love ya & miss ya so bad! :(

ps: i uploaded the second pic of my progress, just scroll down to the buttom of this page & you're gonna see it! i know it isnt that big of a change! but still... its something, i notice it hehe let me know what yall think kk? xoxo, matilda!

En sa beauté gît ma mort et ma vie

mhmm no i dont speak french... but i read this quote & i identify with it so much... it translates " in her beauty reisides my death and my life" dont you all relate to this? i mean... in MY beauty resides MY death and MY life... cause even though i know a few of the consequences of this way of life im leading... i dont care, as long as i reach BEAUTY, perfection... dont care, dont mind!!

god it was an awful day! i ate loads! i was supposed to fast today but couldnt! i went to the gym & was there for about & hour & a half... i didnt eat a thing until 5 pm i was sooo hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my tummy ached sooo bad!! so i thought to myself "okay matilda... your'e allowed to have a slice of bread with honey... but you shan't eat more for whats left of this day"... & so i went to the kitchen & ate ONE slice of bread with honey... & drank loads of water.

my parents got back home at 7 pm... & OH MY... they brought chocolate, banana, bluberry cupcakes! oh GOD!! cupcakes are one of my worst weaknesses... & i thought "okay matilda you're allowed to have one bite of blueberry cupcake but YOU SHAN'T EAT MORE... "& so i did... but it was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i ended up piggin' out... i ate 1 chocolate cupcake, 1 banana cupcake & 2 blueberry cupcakes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how i managed to push all those delicious CRAP through my throat to my poor tummy? i have NO idea! thats like 100000000000000000000000000000000 cals!! :'( & dont even ask how i feel now... apart from feeling FAT ugly & STUPID! my tummy acheS!!! im still sooooo full! my tummy is BLOATED!! ugh ugh!!! :'(

thank you all for your comments! im sorry i havent been able to answear back or read all your blogs! i have just finished stupid homework! & its 12:15 am & i have to wake up at 4 am.. TODAY.. ugh! ill go swimming today! THANK YOU DIENTE DE LEON! yeah i do get it! hehe ill try not to swim like a crazy bitch lol you know take it easy! thank you thank you thank you!! :) love you! & i promise to get back at you all before friday!! kk? love you all! & miss you!!! take care & stay strong... dont be stupid like mee!! :( love ya!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo!

quik update!! :P

hello! well i havent post in like forever i know! sowies x) anywayss... my week? not too bad... lost 2 pounds only... but neh whatever... i fast on friday! it was AWESOME! haha yesterday i went swimming i guess ill be doing that more often... hey does anyone know if its true that swimming will make my back bigger?? cause that freaks me out!! ive heard swimming is one of THE best exercises! & i really enjoy it but im scared my backs gonna get HUGE! so if any1 knows plz let me know kk? umm weight lost competition: 103 points! :)

today i swam again... but i ate so much! i had like 1200 cals!! :'( ugh ugh ugh!! tomorrow ill fast cause ill be home alone! woohoo! ill try to fast 3 days in a row! tuesday, wednesday & thursday!! wish me luck!!!! if i cant ill have an apple or something like that... & tomorrow i wont have enough time to go swimming so ill just go to the gym! GOSH i love swimming! i wish i had a pool in my house so i didnt have to show the world my greasy body! eww! anywaay! gotta go... i have some reading to do.. & 1 stupid essay to write... & im SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired!!! i miss yall!! :( ill read your blogs as soon as i can! kk? take care, xoxo --> matilda! ;)

hunger hurts but starving works! <3<3

heyy! oh god today i had SUCH an awesome day!! i went to college my mom gave me yogurt, an apple & a light granola bar. i gave them all away to my friends, all except the granola bar that was the only thing i ate in the morning and a cup of coffee thats like what? 100 cals?

so i drank loads of water to try to calm down my tummy who wasnt really helping me pretend i wasnt hungry! it was growling like a giant LION i swear! people heard it in China! after college i went directly to the gym! :D oooooh it felt sooooooooooooooooooo good!! burning all those cals!!! i rode a stationary bike for 20 min then did 40 min of spinning! i felt so good i completely forgot about the hunger pains!! :) came back home at 4:30 pm, did some reading, & ate another light granola bar. I lay down on the couch for about 30 min, i was EXHAUSTED!! I had some homework to do stand up & did it. When my parents came back, my mom asked me what i had eaten!! i relaxed & said "oh i bought a bowl fruit at college, it was sooo good!!!" & guess what? SHE BELIEVED ME!!! :D:D:D, though i feel kinda bad cause i hate lying to my mom, shes been THE BEST with me & thats not exactly the BEST way to pay her back :(, but theres nothing i can do...

So that means today i only had about 200 cals!! yayyy & did 1 hour of excercie!!! & drank like LOADS of water! :) great day! oh yess & guess what? i weighed today & im down to 136 pounds!! OMGOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! one down... ONE TO GO! :) yay!! its quite unbelievable though... cause yesterday i binged!!! :S but naw! i lost a pound im soo exited i cannot believe it!!! yayayayayyyyyyyyyy!! :D:D:D GURLS! hard work is finally paying off!! :D:D yayyy! thanxx for your comments! they make me happy, really, so dont stop commenting plzz! :( i've been getting less & less comments each day! :( where are you ????

Happy are those who dream dreams and ....

"Happy are those who dream dreams and are
ready to pay the price to make them come true"

so i was reading diente de leon (http://blowballinthewind.blogspot.com/). Go check it out, i love it!! :) So she wrote something about her goals in life & stuff... :) Thats cool you know, cause as well as her i have other goals in life!!! & ill follow her steps haha like i wont only make this blog about my anorexic shit haha, theres more to life than that!! Today wasnt a pretty day... i mean it went on GREAT until dinner... awful, let me tell you... but hey i wont write about that in this post!

i have dreams! as im sure you all do right? since i was a kid i was always concerned about the enviroment! haha i loved animals! i still do., thats why i became a vegetarian 2 years ago... i wanted to be a biologist/ecologist soooo bad!, but i was stupid & listened to what others had to say (yup they told me i wasnt gonna get anywhere! i would die of hunger, AS IF i care about that!, they told me i wasnt gonna make enough money to survive! that i wasnt gonna get a good job! blah blah blah... those douchebags! or shall i say IM THE DOUCHEBAG! for listening & not following my dreams!!! but hey the past is the past! & just cause im not a biologist doesnt mean i cannot work somewhere, where i can help this world in a way right? im studying maketing, & someday i wanna work for greenpeace, the green cross, WWF, i dunno somewhere like that... does that sound crazy? i ask you cause everytime i talk about this to some people i raise a few eyebrows, & not in a good way... (its a bit sarcastic actually...)

also i wanna get out of this place so baaddd! i hate living where i live! (im not gonna tell ya where cause as ive said before, im a paranoid freak!!) i live in America, the continent not the US haha. English isnt my mother tongue, it actually is spanish! :)... God & now i feel ive given too much information & my mom's gonna read this tomorrow & send me to a shrink ... lol yup thats how crazy i am!!! Anyway when i finish college i wanna move to Europe! i dunno how but i WILL do that! i visited Spain last year & OMGOSH i loved it sooo much! id really like to live there someday, or Paris!! i was in Paris just for one effin' day :( & it was sooo cold!!! i didnt fully enjoyed it! but it was an AMAZING place, i loved it & im dying to go back & wander around the streets & avenues of that beautiful city without worrying about catching a plane the next day in the morning!!!! :)

when i was in spain i had SUCH a great time! besides i lost like 3 kilos! yup traveling without parents can be a PRO when you wanna lose weight! haha somedays i didnt eat a thing! i would wake up early, take a shower, get off the apartment or hotel walk a few blocks to Starbucks & buy a latte, then go wander aroud, meeting awesome people, go on a day without even touching food! not even thinking about it for being too amazed by Toledo's beauty, or Las Ramblas in Barcelona! or simply just being too nervous waiting to see that Spanish dude i met, whom by the way... i never got to kiss & vice-versa he never got to kiss me...

i dunno what it was but Spain captivated me, left me wishing for MORE! :) as well as Paris! though paris left me HUNGER FOR SOOO MUCH MUCH MOOORE! If i had the chance to go back right this second, i wouldnt even think about it! I cannot wait to have that freedom again! YES i will miss my parents & friends, but this town is just NOT for me!

I wanna get off of this place & go meet the whole world! wanna go around it again and again! Meeting people, their cultures! EVERYTHING!! im facinated by this world!! i wanna go seek into the deep of the forests in Brasil, be amazed by The great pyramids of Giza!, walk the Great Wall of China, photograph the Taj Mahal in India, go see the Neuschwanstein Castle in Germany, the Big Ben in England, the Grand Canyon, go visit Anna Frank house in Amsterdam... & oh if i keep going on i may never stop...

I'm planning on working in Belgium for a year after i graduate from college! nono im not planning I WILL do it! haha :) im stokeddd to get there! you know like reaching all these long term goals... do you think its too much?? i think not! it may be hard, but i think anything is possible right? what do you think? i still have so many more ideas floating in my head right now, but its getting late & i need to get some rest! Tomorrow ill start going to the gym, so i wont have any time to sleep in the afternoons!

i hope i didnt bore you & you got to finish reading without falling asleep on the keyboard!!, if you didn't thanxx! :) & OMGOSH i just saw that now i have 7 followers!! haha THANK YOUUU!!! so i have an idea!! whoever reads this... make a post on your blog, & tell me and the world more about yourself! your hopes & dreams, what you wish from this life? your goals? apart from losing weight & stuff, i wanna know more about you!! im sure you all expect something more from this life! yes we all know what we have in common (ANA) but what makes US different from each other? what are your hobbies? how do you see the world? cause i love reading & listening to what others have to say about themselves, about the world! :) kk? so if you think its a good idea then do it! :) & leave me comments plzzz!!!! haha... xoxo, Matilda ;)

lose the battle, WIN THE WAR!

kk! ur right gurls! at least i lost 1 pound! so im looking for ways to make this work... & i made week 2 diet plan! im gonna post it here, so if anyone likes it... ur free to join :)

Monday 8/6

b: 1 apple 173 cals
L: mixed fruit salad - 100 cals
D: Glass of soy milk - 132 cals
Total: 305 cals

Tuesday 9/6

B: apple - 73 cals
L: water - 0 cals
D: water - 0 cals
Total: 73 cals

Wednesday 10/6

B: glass of soy milk - 132 cals

L: whatever my mom gives me argh - ? cals
D: water -0 cals
Total: ??? cals


Thursday 11/6

B: 1 apple - 73 cals
L: water - 0 cals
D: slice of whole grain bread with honey - 100 cals
Total 173 cals


Friday 12/6

B: cup of coffee - 2 cals
L: a bowl of pineapple - 57 cals
D: cup of coffee & a slice of whole grain bread with honey - 102 cals
Total: 161 cals


Saturday 13/6

B: bowl of special k w/o milk - 110 cals
L: 1 apple - 73 cals
D: bowl of special k w/o milk - 110 cals
Total: 293 cals

Sunday 13/6

B: bowl of papaya - 40 cals

L: bowl of papaya - 40 cals

D: bowl of papaya - 40 cals
Total: 120 cals

week 1 finished - last day piggin' out!

& im a failure! i lost only ONE FUCKING POUND ONE ONE ONE ONE! YYESSSS JUST ONE! whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? omgoshhhh!!! i'm soo mad i dunno why i lost only ONE! cuz i didn't do thaaaat bad! & was so upset i went to sleep, & when i woke up my tummy was growling! so i went to look for something to eat, & i ended up binging!! i'm not gonna tell ya what i ate! first of all cause i don't think it would fit in this post... & second, cause i'm ASHAMED! i'm so stupid! this week went on perfectly! some days i ate a little more than the max intake i settled... but only like 100 more cals i exercised, an hour each day, exzept for yesterday i only did half an hour, but at night my friends & i went dancing to a club! & we danced all night lonnng!

um anyway! sorry i havent post, but i couldn't log in to my stupid account until thursday!! so yeah, to make a long story shot, that was my week 1. pathetic, i still cannot believe i only lost 1 effin' pound...

THINSPO

She doesn't look, she doesn't see

Oh man, i just heard this song Little House by The Fray... it hit me in the heart. *cry* .. it tore me apart, i cried like a little baby... i feel like he's screaming the lyrics right at me... telling me i'm going down & there's no effin' way i'll ever get off this stupid feeling of mine *cry*... i wonder why's life so damn hard? why's the grass always much much MUCH greener on the other side , why people? why why do i have to feel this way? why can't i love ME for once? why, who decided that i was going to b the lucky one to struggle with this "illness" to me it's got more of a lifestyle than an actual illness... why do i hate it but LOVE it at the same time? why? *cry**cry**cry**cry**cry* T_T

She doesn't look, she doesn't see
Opens up for nobody
Figures out, she figures out
Narrow line, she can't decide
Everything short of suicide
Never hurts, nearly works.

Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about.

A part of you that'll never show
You're the only one that'll ever know
Take it back when it all began
Take your time, would you understand
What it's all about?

Something is scratching
Its way out
Something you want
To forget about.

No one expects
You to get up
All on your own with
No one around.

Day 1 4:00pm

So far i've eaten
1/4 bowl of rice - 80 cals
1/4 carrot - 70 cals
light granola bar - 90 cals
5 glasses/water - 0 cals

which makes a total of 240 cals

& for dinner i'll have
1 apple - 73 cals

so today i'll have a total of 313 cals

& 1 hour & 30 min of exercise :D

Weigh loss Competition DAY 1

OMGOSHHHH I AM STOKEDDDDD!!! :D yup, first day it's 1:05 pm & i haven't eaten a thing! just drank 3 glasses of water & done 30 min. of exercise! hooray!!!! i'll exercise an hour at night! i'm soo happy! though i'll have to have lunch with my mom & dad, but i'm just gonna eat a bowl of fruit i think. i'll see how it goes & i might eat an apple at night (an apple a day keeps the doctor away ;) lol) yayyy! wish me luckkk gurlsss! GO GO ORANGE TEAM!!