these last... 2 months? ... i'm back part 1

oh man... where should i start?

Okay... about a month ago, i think, (as i said... i've lost track of time... so don't ask for dates) so i was saying... a month ago or more than a month ago... my best friend L came to stay over at my house, we watched a few movies and talked all night long... the next morning i woke up and i went to take a shower. L stayed in my room, waiting for me ... when i finished showering i went to my room, of course to get some clean clothes... and she was there, acting all weird and making all these weird faces. I payed no attention.

That same day we went for a cup of coffee to CB( initials of the coffee place). She was still acting weird.. so... this is kinda like how the conversation went...

me: wtf? are you mad or something?
L: no...
me: then?
L: then what?
me: seriously... WHAT THE FUCK?
L: don't you have anything you'd like to talk about with me?
me: uh... no?
L: sure?
me: yeah?
L: are you okay?
me: yeah? ... now... seriously L... what the fuck?
L: i think i read something i wasn't supposed to.. and now i'm worried about you...
me: what do you mean?
( i actually kinda knew by that moment... i keep this sort of journal where i write from time to time... which is like once a month... and there i've written about almost every feeling i've had about myself... how much i disgust myself... and also most of my plans and diets ... and goals... so what i actually meant with "What do you mean?" was... OH FUCK!)
L: oh c'mon...
me: (i couldn't speak.. i had a knot in my throat and my eyes were all blurry from the stupid tears that were trying to escape ... )
L: (she only looked at me...)
me: (swallowed, closed my eyes and tried to keep those tears inside... but couldn't, a few managed to come out)
L: (still didn't speak)
me: it was non of you business! you didn't have to read it!
L: that is not the point!!!
me: oh c'mon!!! who do you think you are to go sneaking around my stuff???
L: (didn't say anyting)
me: listen, i know you're my friend... but it is my life!! so don't try to fix it!!! i am FINE! and i don't need you! and you better not run and try to tell my mom! or your mom! Cause you have NO RIGHT!!!
L: shut up! why didn't you try to talk to me about it?
me: BECAUSE!!!!! you wouldn't understand...! and i don't need your help so don't you dare trying! ...
L: fine! if you don't neeeeddd meee.. i guess i can go home now!
me: oh yess pleassee... take careeeee ... ;) (that was pure sarcasm, and she knew)
L: whatever matilda...

well yeah i think that's about it... i mean it wasn't with all those exact same words... but that's kinda how it was... two days passed and i didn't hear of her... and yup as you can imagine i was REALLY upset! but at the same time i was feeling like SHIT! Because i knew she didn't mean to hurt me! ... so i decided to text her ... and i wrote "you see... i'm fucked up! And the least thing i need right now is losing you".. so she called me... i went to her house ... and i dunno what she did or said, but i ended up crying like a little baby. I was helpless, weak... and i spit it ALL out! (obviously not a word about my blog) but the rest... i did... i told her almost everything! how i started last year... how fucked up i felt most of the time! how i didn't eat for days! and how good it felt! it told her everything! GOD EVERYTHING, YOU SEE... EVERYTHING... my deepest secret! i told ... and i told her how scared i was... you know, of her thinking i was NUTS! and i begged her not to tell anyone! cause i didn't wanna be sent to a shrink! i promised her i was gonna try to change! ... and i said "you don't understand... so don't judge me!" about 242309487209 times.

She said she knew she didn't understand... and that she promised not telling anyone! But only if i promised her i was going to eat! That i had to tell her how i was feeling... and that i had to try to love myself... and that i had to look in the mirror and try to keep a positive mind! ... and so i did... i promised... i mean i REALLY promised... i really thought i wanted to stop my life style... i thought i was gonna feel better, NOT!

to be continued...

ps: sorry i have to go! there's still a MILLION things i have to tell you about... love youu! xoxoxoxoxox