i almost gave up...

I am lost...
I was supposed to find myself (i didn't)
I haven't weigh in like forever!
I am weaker than ever
I've lost track of time... i barely remember the
last time i posted something in here...
and the WORST of it all! -> I gave up for a while...

It's really late and i need to study for a stupid exam i have tomorrow...
Nads, stick thin, millie... are you still following me? i'm sorry :'( I missed you soo! i swear i'm crying... i can't believe... how could i thought i could move on with my life? how could i thought i was kinda pretty although i was a fat cow? i missed you... and i need you all more than ever!

Love me the most when I deserve it the least, because then I need it the most.

Tomorrow night you'll have an update with a detailed explanation, i promise!

it took me way too long to think for title to this post... lol :)

i'm sorry i'm not posting i miss you all,
i really do and i have a new follower, Brune! :)
thanx sweety and welcome!.. i promise
to be back soon with great news! :)
and i promise to update ... my life's been
pretty dull so don't expect too muck okay? lol
and i'll read your blogs & comment. I PROMISE!
i love you so fucking much! thanx for the support!
you made me shed a few tears! :)

i'm not giving up. I swear...
i'm not running away either,
i'm just trying to find myself and
i'm about to do so... i know
that for sure...

i'm reading The Kite Runner.
It's really good :)

a few wise words for you all:

"With all its sham, drudgery & broken
dreams... it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful, strive to be happee."

& no matter what... smile
ALWAYS :)

ps: oh nads HAPPEE HAPPEE
BIRTHDAY! :) i'm sorry i didn't
check my blog until today...
and you know ... i've never been
good with birthdays, i always
forget. i hope you had A FUCKING
AWESOME TIME, got completely
wasted and received TONS of
presents! (i would've given you
a present if you weren't so damn far! :S)
i love youuuuu!! and i hope you're enjoying yourself!

i'm sorry for being so pessimistic

i've been so fucking depressed

fighting with my dad (long long long story)

with my sister (obviously)

food... fucking food

i had a dog O, and he died a few months ago... i was fucking depressed cause he was with me for about 12 years. And now my other dog W... my dad bought him a month after he
bought O. and now W is really really sick i think he is a little older than O like 2 months... i don't wanna lose him, really :( i dunno if you understand if you've ever had a dog you cared a lot about... he's so old but still so lovely i don't wanna go through it all again... it still hurts that O isn't with me anymore...

Another thing... my BF C just came back from miami and she'll go back on january and she told me she wants to stay in the US she wants to study there and blah blah though she'd rather go to switzerland cause she has like free education there cause her parents are swiss and blah blah blah... she's already make her decision i think... those are her two options... i dunno what i'm gonna do without her:'( i mean i still have F but i dunno... they're different in some ways i dunno if you get the point... anyway that will fucking hurt!

and now there's this guy in my math course who i really REALLY like... he is soo cute, i mean he is not super HOT... he's just cute... at least i like him... and he is so nice! we've spoken only a few times... but only about stupid homework... and you know oh i don't understand do you? silly stuff... and well i don't know if i've mentioned how silly and clumsy i get when i like someone... words never come out right... it becomes harder to speak properly... etc etc. So yeah... story of my life... he doesn't give a fuck about me... never will.

bad day...
awful just awful
thanx girls for the support
it means so much! really thanx!
fought again with my sister today... just ugh i don't even know what to say anymore
i'm fucking tired of this. i hate myself. i eat & eat & eat. i'm weak. i wanna work at a coffee place
it's kinda like starbucks, not as cool though haha but i need money... i spent all the money i was saving for my stupid tattoo... my birthday is in about two months... and i'm still fat!
i wanna be thin by then... and if do so.. i will get my belly button pierced and a tattoo! that's why i need money. My parents won't give me money to do that so i need to make some cash of my own.

I signed up for a mandarin class at college. yay for that :) that means less time at home, which means NOT SEEING my stupid sister ... Today i was talking to my mom and she went to tell that i act like a SLUT ... yup just like that... don't ask me why... she just said that... i was telling my mom i had signed up for that mandarin thing and well ... in my sister's world that has something to do with being a SLUT ... yes no not bitch she said SLUT! ... awesome... just awesome... i can't fucking stand her... i dunno what she has with me... she has never liked me... i think.. i dunno... she has always been a bitter person... and i've always been all bubbly and happy you could say... so that's why we've never really clicked... but that doesn't mean she has to hate me and treat me me the way she always does... when she told me that slut thingy i left the room and told my dad.. " you see... then please don't come telling i'm being mean to her cause i've done nothing!" and she started making this huuuge show ... she was like OMG OMG DAD YOU SEE HOW SHE IS ALWAAAYYYS TRYING TO MAKE A VICTIM OF HERSELF... I MEAN SHE ALWAYS DOES THAT STUFF CAUSE SHE LOVES IT WHEN PEOPLE LOOK AT HER I MEAN IS JUST SHOWING OFF! and my dad told her to shut up and that we had to respect each other and she was like OMG DAD YOU SEE NOOOW I'M THE MEAN GIRL HERE! I MEAN WHAT DID I SAY I ONLY SAY THE TRUTH... BESIDES I ONLY ACT THIS WAY WITH THOSE WHO DESERVVVVEEE IT!!! AND I MEAN GOSHHH LOOK AT HER SHE IS JUST TRYING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION! I MEAN SHE THINKS THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND HER! so i asked to to stop saying all that crap about me and my dad was sooooo maaad! (i mean don't think we always scream that way in front of my dad) and he told us both to shut up and that this was happening beacause of all the freedom he has given us that now we don't even respect him! and my sister stormed out of the room screaming OMGOSH I CANNOT BELIEEVEEEEE YOU'RE DEFEEENDINNG HER!! ...

i mean... honestly what did i do? NO NO im not trying to make a victim of myself.. but god knooowss i did nothing! i mean i even try to stay away from her! but she just loovess teasing me and making me feel like shit and telling me i'm shit!! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can't stand this !! i can't i can't!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'(

but you know what? i won't be like her... i forgive her... someday she'll know what she's doing is wrong.. and well whatever... really i don't feel like writting anymore.. i feel like crap

do not give up

yeah i said i wasn't going to post ...
i just wanted to share with you a few quotes on not giving up! :)

"Start by doing what's necessary;
then do what's possible;
and suddenly you are doing the impossible. "

"Achievement seems to be connected with action.
Successful men and women keep moving.
They make mistakes, but they don't quit."

"Most of the important things in the world have
been accomplished by people who have kept on
trying when there seemed to be no hopeat all. "

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do."

"Never give up, for that is just the place and
time that the tide will turn."

"If you are going through hell, keep going"

"%&("=$)=

hi... i am a big fat cow with no self-control
i binged today... i'll stop posting until i begin
to take control of this cause i don't wanna be
giving you bad news all the time... of how i
ate a bunch of crap! people want to hear
good news all the time... i love you all! and
thanx for the comments! :)

ps: nads ... where are you? :S

note <3

Hi! so Noah gave this note to Allie a few days before the summer ended and she left. They were holding each other and Allie was crying cause they might never see each other again. Noah put this note in Allie's hand and it said:

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. And maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

When i look at you, I see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. And i know i have spend every life before this one searching for you. Not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. And then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye.

I would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does. But if we never meet again and this is truly good-by, i know we will see each other again in another life. We will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before."

That's exactly the same cover as the one i have :)