Hey there! i'm Matilda, i'm 18 and i'm "ANA" i guess... whateva... being ana does not make me a bad girl! you people must change that stereotype... i'm real, i'm human, i feel...
Weight has always been an issue in my freaking life. I used to be real fat, i still am, but i used to be bigger!! I simply not realized how big & disgusting i was; i learned to deal with it. I never could imagine myself as a thin pretty girl, i always thought that was not possible for me. I was always dieting myself, but i only followed the diet for the first week & then i forgot and started eating loads! I have lots of memories where people were rude to me, or would make fun of me cause i was fat. I hated it and felt shitty all the time, but instead of doing something about my weight i would EAT more... i know i know, it sounds stupid but if you think about it for a second it might make a little sense. I ate cause was depressed, it filled that freaking hole in my selfsteem that was digged by those assholes... are you following?
About a year and a half ago i thought to myself ENOUGH! i was sick and tired of being THE FAT girl, i had to end it! I just didn't know how. I tried dieting again and it worked but then i got depressed for some reason, and gained all of it again! I don't remember exactly when or how i realized that what made me feel even more depressed was FOOD. And so i got to the conclusion that if i didn't eat then i would feel happy... and so i did. & guess what happened? IT WORKED! i felt so effin' happy!! it felt so good having that control over me, over my food. I felt powerful... & yes i had ups and downs... but a year i lost like 15kg, i started with 75kg and in a year i went down to 60kg!, then to 57... i felt great!! but my target weight was 50kg.
And then 2009 came, i was thrilled! i thought that by now i would be 50kg, NOT... classes started my parents sort of noticed i wasn't eating as a "normal" person (well they never actually called it ANA, THANX GOD!, they simply thought i should eat more unless i wanted to spend the rest of my life tortured at home... haha they wouldn't let me out unless i had breakfast, lunch or dinner with them... pathetic, i know), and so i had to eat... and i forgot the meaning of "self control"... and so in 5 months i gained 8kg.
That's why i'm starting this blog, i'm not willing to go down the same old effin' road! i will not let myself go down there again. I need to remember what self control is, i need to take my thought out of food and constantly remember WHY i need this.
So, that's part of my story, can anyone relate? if so add me m_atilda90@hotmail.com k?
Weight has always been an issue in my freaking life. I used to be real fat, i still am, but i used to be bigger!! I simply not realized how big & disgusting i was; i learned to deal with it. I never could imagine myself as a thin pretty girl, i always thought that was not possible for me. I was always dieting myself, but i only followed the diet for the first week & then i forgot and started eating loads! I have lots of memories where people were rude to me, or would make fun of me cause i was fat. I hated it and felt shitty all the time, but instead of doing something about my weight i would EAT more... i know i know, it sounds stupid but if you think about it for a second it might make a little sense. I ate cause was depressed, it filled that freaking hole in my selfsteem that was digged by those assholes... are you following?
About a year and a half ago i thought to myself ENOUGH! i was sick and tired of being THE FAT girl, i had to end it! I just didn't know how. I tried dieting again and it worked but then i got depressed for some reason, and gained all of it again! I don't remember exactly when or how i realized that what made me feel even more depressed was FOOD. And so i got to the conclusion that if i didn't eat then i would feel happy... and so i did. & guess what happened? IT WORKED! i felt so effin' happy!! it felt so good having that control over me, over my food. I felt powerful... & yes i had ups and downs... but a year i lost like 15kg, i started with 75kg and in a year i went down to 60kg!, then to 57... i felt great!! but my target weight was 50kg.
And then 2009 came, i was thrilled! i thought that by now i would be 50kg, NOT... classes started my parents sort of noticed i wasn't eating as a "normal" person (well they never actually called it ANA, THANX GOD!, they simply thought i should eat more unless i wanted to spend the rest of my life tortured at home... haha they wouldn't let me out unless i had breakfast, lunch or dinner with them... pathetic, i know), and so i had to eat... and i forgot the meaning of "self control"... and so in 5 months i gained 8kg.
That's why i'm starting this blog, i'm not willing to go down the same old effin' road! i will not let myself go down there again. I need to remember what self control is, i need to take my thought out of food and constantly remember WHY i need this.
So, that's part of my story, can anyone relate? if so add me m_atilda90@hotmail.com k?
ps: self control: n. Control of one's emotions, desires, or actions by one's own will
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